Spiritual Axiom

I never truly understood the spiritual axiom that states, that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us, until I had the following experience. I was sitting in my bedroom, reading into the wee hours, when suddenly I heard my dogs barking in the back yard. My neighbors frown on this kind of disturbance so, with mixed feelings of anger and shame, as well as fear of my neighbors' disapproval, I immediately called in my dogs. Several weeks later the exact situation repeated itself but this time, because I was feeling more at Peace with myself, I was able to accept the situations -- dogs will bark -- and I calmly called in the dogs. Both incidents taught me that when a person experiences nearly identical events and reacts two different ways, then it is not the event which is of prime importance, but the person's spiritual condition. Feelings come from inside, not from outward circumstances. When my spiritual condition is positive, I react positively.

Snuff

Bury all your secrets in my skin
Come away with innocence, and leave me with my sins
The air around me still feels like a cage
And love is just a camouflage for what resembles rage again…

My heart is just too dark to care.
I can't destroy what isn't there.
Deliver me into my Fate - If I'm alone I cannot hate
I don't deserve to have you…

My smile was taken long ago
If I can change I hope I never know
I still press your letters to my lips
And cherish them in parts of me that savor every kiss
I couldn't face a life without your light
But all of that was ripped apart… when you refused to fight

So save your breath, I will not hear.
I think I made it very clear.
You couldn't hate enough to love.
Is that supposed to be enough?
I only wish you weren't my friend.
Then I could hurt you in the end.

I never claimed to be a Saint…
My own was banished long ago
It took the Death of Hope to let you go
So Break Yourself Against My Stones
And Spit Your Pity In My Soul

You Never Needed Any Help
You Sold Me Out To Save Yourself
And I Won't Listen To Your Shame
You Ran Away - You're All The Same

Angels Lie To Keep Control… My Love Was Punished Long Ago
If You Still Care, Don't Ever Let Me Know
If you still care, don't ever let me know…

Centering our thoughts

I will center my thoughts on a Higher Power. I will surrender all to this power within me. I will become a soldier for this power, feeling the might of the spiritual army as it exists in my life today. I will allow a wave of spiritual union to connect me through my gratitude, obedience and discipline to this Higher Power. Let me allow this power to lead me through the orders of the day. May the steps I take today strengthen my words and deeds, may I know that the message I carry is mine to share, given freely by this power greater then myself.

Getting Well

Only through positive action can I remove the remains of guilt and shame brought on by alcohol. Throughout my misadventures when I drank, my friends would say, "why are you doing this? You're only hurting yourself." Little did I know how true were those words. Although I harmed others, some of my behavior caused grave wounds to my soul. By making a list of all the people that I have harmed, and become willing to make amends to them all, provides me with a way of forgiving myself. I alleviated much of the hidden damage when I make my list of those I have hurt. In making amends, I free myself of burdens, thus contributing to my healing.

2nd Saturday Art Walk in Sacramento

Here are a few picture of 2nd Saturday Art Walk in mid-town Sacramento California

The streets are alive with people eating, shopping, drinking and visiting galleries. A quick ten-block stroll might take you 30 minutes or more to complete because of the sheer mass of bodies on the streets.

People = Shit

Here we go again motherfucker!
Come on down and see the idiot right here.
Too fucked to beg and not afraid to care.
Whats the matter with calamity anyways?
Get the fuck out of my face.
Understand I can't feel anything
It isn't like I wanna sift through the decay.
I feel like a wound
And like I got a fucking gun against my head.
You live when I'm dead

Everybody hates me now, so fuck it
Blood's on my face and my hands, don't know why,
I'm not afraid to cry
but that's none of your business.
Whose life is it?
Get it?
See it?
Feel it?
Eat it?
Spin it around
so I can spit in his face.
I wanna leave without a trace.
Get out, I don't want to die in this place

People=Shit

It never stops!
You can't be everything to everyone.
Contagion, I'm sittin on the side of satan
What do you want from me?
They never told me the failure I was meant to be
Overdo it, don't tell me you blew it,
stop your bitchin'
and fight your way through it
I'm not like you
I just fucked up
c'mon mother fucker everybody has to die !!

People=Shit

Slipknot

This is my 2nd

Hey what up?

I didn't like my 1st video Blog .... so here is an 2nd...

RUN, RUN, RUNNING... 4 what?

What is up?
Last Saturday morning (7/26/08) I ran in a 5K race (3.1 miles). It started and finished in East Lawn, one of the oldest cemetery's in Sacramento and the race ran through the fab-forty's neighborhood (a richy-rich area of Sac). The was about 1,000 people that signed up for the race and the event was put together well. I did pretty well over all in the race. I ran a 0:29.7 min race (~9:30 min mile average.. my personal best) and was quite sore by the end of it all.
I started running about a year ago to help with some of my health issues (mental and physical). Not EVER really running for a sport in my 40 plus years and not being in any kind of shape for twenty years, it has been a struggle.
A little back story: With all my physical problems that I developed from slamming meth and drinking hard alcohol nightly, I had to deal with some pressing problems a few years back (05/01/05). First, I needed to get clean and sober. Second, after a few months of being clean, I went through the interferon treatment to try and rid myself of Chronic Hepatitis C virus that I contracted from being a drugy. The interferon treatment went on for 72 weeks (almost a year and half) and it was HELL! I was deathly ill every weekend and by the time I started to feel a little better, the next weekend came. So I would have to inject myself with the interferon to get sick once again.
After the 72 weeks of treatments, I had a lot of aliment's that were caused from the treatments and had to have a couple of surgery's and give my liver some time to recoup.
So that brings me back to running and trying to get my health back ........ (to be continue)

1st video .... lame title but it is here

Dissolving of my life

When I was still partying, I used to keep a journal of my feelings and thoughts to help me to remember things that I was doing. This entry was written on 4/11/05 (my birthday) and was towards then end of my partying. I don’t remember writing this entry or much of April and May. I never knew that being so empty inside could weigh so much!!!
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Waiting for these crystals (of Meth) to dissolve in my spoon called life. I crush down the glass-like chunks, just like my dreams. Breaking down the pieces into smaller and smaller slivers of meth, they splinter and shadier all my integrity and self being. This is a SLOW death and I know how all this is going to end but I still continue on with the insanity. Sitting in my car (the place that I also call home) I'm waiting for the meth to dissolve, All my dreams, All my hopes and all of my future is also being disintegrated. Then to be filtered (Like my future) through a cotton ball, the liquid solution is sucked up (like my face) with a needle. Then slammed into my vain so that I can fill the void in my sole that has been SCREAMING for help all my adult life. I know that I can't take much more of this, I'm to intelligent for all this kind shit but here I sit, waiting for my meth & life to dissolve.

And HERE we GO!!

This is the 1st day of my blog-ing....
I will post some of my writing from the start to get everyone up to speed (or get me up to speed, Not sure if there is even going to be an 'EVERYONE'). (*talking to myself is the sign of TRUE genus *)